Authenticity. What is it? And why is it so important?
Authenticity.
The latest buzzword. I mean, it sounds important, right? It appears to be all over the internet. But what does it really mean? Why is it so significant?
For what it's worth, here are my thoughts. Through my years of experience, no matter the struggle, concern, or dilemma that is being faced, when we bring our focus back onto the authentic self, magic happens. Authenticity has revealed itself as the cornerstone of wellbeing and happiness. The critical key to living a fulfilling life.
Let me start at the beginning. We are all born into this world as curious beings, looking to learn what’s right, wrong, acceptable, or inappropriate by observing the behaviours of those around us. 'How does my caregiver react or respond when I try this ‘thing’?' If they respond negatively - whether or not I absolutely LOVE doing that 'thing' - I will stop. I do this because of one crucial reason: if my caregivers don’t approve of me, I die. Literally. I can’t feed myself, pay the mortgage, or survive in the world without their support. As we grow, this internalized learning and influence on our identity expands out to the that of teachers’ approval, friends’ approval, and society’s approval. We are bombarded with messages of what is acceptable and what will make us lovable and safe in our communities, each one possibly requesting - even demanding - that we abandon our authentic desires, needs, preferences, and passions in order to fit in and be 'comfortable'. And not all of these inputs of what is right or wrong are overtly obvious either. Our responses to these messages can be subtle; intuitive feelings of ‘this doesn’t feel safe’, or ‘somehow I feel I need to please this person’. Unconscious decisions to self-abandon for immediate perceived comfort.
Adjusting to fit the situation isn't always a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are circumstances when adapting ourselves to keep the peace or please others is necessary, such as being professional in a work meeting so you don’t get fired (and therefore can continue to pay your rent or feed yourself and your family). However, there is a difference between choosing to play a role that is societally appropriate and feeling like you have to play this role due to an underlying belief (conscious or unconscious) that who you truly and authentically are is unacceptable or not good enough. The latter is what we would like to change: this belief that our fundamental authentic being isn’t valid, worthy, or enough. That if we are vulnerable and put ourselves out there, truly, we will be rejected, judged, disowned, or criticized.
When we consistently exist and make decisions, even small ones, to ensure that others are comfortable or approving of us, we move away from investing in our authenticity. In developing a clearer sense of our identity and values. We become disconnected from investing in our true needs and wants. This eventually results in general feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, insecure, and a fear of vulnerability - another current buzzword. Vulnerability requires us to share ourselves authentically by being honest, transparent, true, and real about our thoughts, perspectives, preferences, needs, desires, and opinions. In order to be vulnerable and live more authentically, what we first need is a knowing of who we are. Identifying our authentic self can be extremely challenging when we have spent so much of our lives living based on others’ reactions, judgments, needs, and perspectives. We are left with not knowing who we are at all. Makes it difficult to be authentic, right?
So, how do we find out who our authentic self is? One good way to start is to get curious about you rather than what others are doing or saying. Ask yourself, 'who would I be if there was a guarantee that no one would judge me, nothing would go wrong, and nothing bad would happen?' What would you do? What would your opinion on that topic really be? How would you spend your day? Who would you spend your time with? The true answer should feel good. If something resonates authentically, it usually feels light, easy, comfortable, and peaceful. If we are exposed to (or engaged with) something that is not authentic, it feels uncertain, anxiety provoking, confusing, and it may be difficult to find clarity within oneself.
What I have found over the years is this: when we identify what’s authentic to us and we make more choices in our day to day life that nurture those preferences, we generally live with more ease. We feel fewer symptoms of depression because we don’t feel rejected by ourselves. We experience less anxiety because we have confidence in our position and understand that others are also allowed to see things from their own authentic perspective. We feel less guilt and more empowerment because we know we are not responsible for the lives, feelings, and decisions of others, just as they are not responsible for ours. Life begins to feel more fulfilling and even that elusive sense of happiness begins to be a more frequent experience in our lives.
There is a freedom in allowing ourselves to exist authentically. This doesn’t mean it’s easy. It takes courage, vulnerability, and risk to put ourselves out there. But I can tell you, it is oh so worth it.
